The Dress, Snakes and Ladders, The Thunder, The Puppy, and The Heartbreak

We first met when we were both six. I was this small, lonesome boy who buried his nose on books, who defined the word “fun” as seeing an actual metamorphosis, who daydreams practically all the time. My life was almost colorless before you came into our classroom that one Tuesday morning. You were wearing a blue dress with laces all over it, and your hair was pulled up in pigtails. And in the eyes of my six-year-old self, I knew right then that you were the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on.

I was surprised to find out that our new neighbors turned out to be your family. Mom invited you to dinner that same night. Moments later, you and I were already reading a book near the fireplace. Little did I know that my six-year-old self already met the girl I will love for the rest of my life. 

While we were in the midst of playing Snakes and Ladders when we were eight, you suddenly said, “I could play this game all day, as long as you’re the one I’ll play it with.” What you said was so simple, but to me, it already meant everything. 

When we were both ten, you asked me if you could hold my hand because you were so frightened by the deafening sound of thunder. I said yes. I silently wished for that very moment to last forever.

I was surprised one day when I found you crying on your bed. We were about thirteen that time. “My dog just died,” you whispered. I hated to see you cry, so I begged my mom to give me some money in exchange of every chore I do at home. When I saved enough, I bought you a new puppy. I could still remember how your face lit up when you slowly cradled it in your arms, admiring its fragility. You looked at me and flashed me the warmest of all smiles. “Thank you,” you said. You called the dog Darren, a combination of our names.

We were sixteen. The day after our prom, your mom called me and said that you have been crying nonstop since last night. I ran to your house. I knocked on, but you didn’t open your door. I just sat there outside your room, and waited for you to come out of it and talk to me. You were crying that time not because your puppy died; you were crying because a part of you died when he broke your heart. I wasn’t able to tell you that if you’ll just let me, I will try my very best to make you live again.

Eighteen. We were both going to college. Before we parted, you pulled me in a long embrace. You said nothing, I said nothing. We were just wrapped in each other’s arms, no words needed to be said. That simple gesture was all I ever needed to remind myself that though I will always be yours, you will never be mine.

You went back from college. We were twenty two. Your beauty had gone from simplistic to unconventional. The way you radiated the room with warmth and joy with your presence was still there with you. Your eyes scanned through the sea of people who were so delighted to see you, and when you finally saw me, you grinned vastly and ran into me and hugged me so tight I nearly couldn’t breathe. “I missed you!” you shrilled, “I’ve got so much to tell you!” I secretly hoped that what you’d tell me was something I have been dying to hear from you all these years.

We were both twenty seven. I was standing near the altar, looking at you walking down the aisle. You were wearing the most beautiful wedding gown you designed yourself, your eyes were glistening with tears of joy. The mere sight of you flooded my memory of that lacy blue dress, our games of Snakes and Ladders, your irrational fear of thunder, the death of your puppy, and your first real heartbreak.

You stopped in front of me. You smiled, held my hand as you mouthed the words, “thank you.” I stepped aside while you made your way towards the man you’ll be spending the rest of your life with.

As I watched you exchange your vows and “I do’s,” I thought that maybe we were never really meant to be together from the very beginning. We never were, and never would. However, I would still be that six-year-old boy who learned the perfect definition of beauty when he saw you. I would still be that eight-year-old boy who will always be willing to play Snakes and Ladders with you every day of my life. I would still be that ten-year-old boy who'll untiringly comfort and hold your hand when the thunder starts to strike. I would still be that thirteen-year-old boy who'll do whatever it takes just to see you smile. I would still be that sixteen-year-old boy who will, no matter how painful it is, just let you cry your eyes out until it hurts no more. I would still be the old me just for you. I would still do everything for you.

Because I love you.

I will always be yours, though you'll never be mine. You just came into my life to make me realize all the things I am willing to do and not to do for love.

And I want to thank you for that.